just when I thought I’d gotten over things… ill have to admit the past two months were unfortunate for us. then again, were the previous six kind to us? when I saw you again… did you get thinner? lose strength? you were the same as I remember otherwise. just friendly, warm, open. it felt like I just couldn’t look you too long in the eyes, or try to talk to you. but even when I tried my best to remain distant, i still felt you inching your way in. did I really only meet you five times before? can’t do this to me man… giving me frank ocean feels… nah. think if you cared you would actually reply me.
I’ve lost a lot in the past year and I don’t know if I came out a stronger person but I definitely came out a changed person.
I wanna believe I’m a good person, but I can’t help but wonder, “what if I’m not”? what if I can only be someone casual to others, not meant to be in deep relationships?
deep inside myself, I know I fully deserve all the pain I have inflicted upon myself.
as much as I wanted to be welcomed back into your lives, I know things can never be the same. when you get hurt by someone, you want so deeply to have your friends back you up and not maintain relations with others just to keep the cohesion. I came from a past of destruction. I know all too well how it always ends.
as the months pass into years, familiar patterns emerge. patterns that crush me deep inside. they make me wonder if there’s something wrong with the way I’m living life. whether I’m making bad choices, whether I settled for less. sometimes I commit myself to the antipattern inside of me so that I could stop the cycle. and I don’t think I’ve ever found a good ending to any of these stories in my life. the most stark of which are the choices I’ve made the past year. where I chose to stake it out for the one I loved, and in turn got slapped with a harsh goodbye. where in my sorrow, I decided to disappear from those I was closest to, and tried so hard to maintain relations with those I detested. so many questionable decisions (or non decisions), but what does it matter if they are all gone?
as deeply frustrating it is, I have to face the reality of the situation that I am in. that once I was begging for company, now I am relishing in my loneliness. that I had no choice of who I wanted to be with, now I choose to be alone in a sea of acquaintances. that where I should have found peace and happiness long ago, I am just discovering now. I am fighting, refusing to settle. the burden of living is real, but I am still struggling, ever still struggling.
really reached a low that I haven’t in a while. first I had to bump into somebody I used to blame quite heavily for my past circumstances in the morning, then I had to make the crushing decision to skip out on something I had been looking forward to for a while. and the realisation that although I wanted to stop bouldering for a bit because of my injury, it was so hard to let go because of the people I’m climbing with now, especially the ones from tomorrow. coupled the concern from friends when I backed out, and the uncertainty of my future, uncertainty of things that I couldn’t iron out until I can meet people… it just puts so much anxiety into my head. I think that’s been my ultimate shortcoming, that if it were up to me, I try to control so much of situations until I can’t, and I end up bursting in frustration. I was so hopeful too, and I’m trying so hard to manage my own expectations, but the mind wanders…. I try so hard to just be a little more optimistic and not worry too much, but i really took a 10minute timeout after 30mins of work just so I could calm myself in the toilet. I’m not proud of things but I’m proud that I got through the end of the day without any of the shakiness from the morning. man was that rough but I guess focussing on how there’s still a bit of thought left for me made me feel better in the end.
going out nowadays, I tend to see people I know, people I can exchange hellos with, small talk and ‘see you laters’… and I think about how when I started, I started out alone. I tried to rope friends in to join me on activities, but most turned me down and i had to do things alone. man was that scary. and it was so scary I almost stopped.
it seems I learnt too late that it’s always better to find people who want to do the same things as you than to convince or wait for friends to join you. nowadays it seems all I do is find people. because there is never anyone who wants to do all the same things I want to do. I guess this is why people know me now. but while it is fun to say hi to so many people now, it makes me a little bit sad that I can never find a constant to do things with me. that I have to expand so much energy to make all these connections, only for us to drift apart now and then and maybe forever. it really is true that you can feel so alone in a crowded room. sometimes I just want someone to cry out in disappointment that I cant show up for things. but here I am just soaking in a disappointment of my own creation. so many people think I’m such an independent girl, taking no nonsense from others, doing the things I want… but I want so dearly to be dependent sometimes.
your love and kindness has no bounds, and your presence in my life has deeply touched me. I so admire the quiet strength and maturity you have to be the person you are. I am ever so grateful that you have let me into your life and I can only hope that I contribute to it and am able to witness it flourish even more.
it really doesn’t matter what the truth is, but it always matters how you handle your truth. sometimes you have to give up on finding the ultimate truth so that you can have the peace you deserve in life. you can get so blindsided by the angle your truth hits you, you don’t realize the other piece fits in as well.
you can’t keep making excuses to run away from life